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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27358396">The Letter</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_Pizzaman666/pseuds/the_Pizzaman666'>the_Pizzaman666</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Banana Fish (Anime &amp; Manga)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Character Death, Everyone is Dead, I can only write angst, I cried at my own story, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Just like that god awful depressing show, Like Heavily Implied, M/M, No happy endings, Past Character Death, Post-Finale, References to Drugs, Sad, Triggers, im so sorry, not gonna lie</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-07 02:47:21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,292</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27358396</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_Pizzaman666/pseuds/the_Pizzaman666</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It has been three years since Eiji moved to New York for good. Three years since Eiji lost his best friend. Three years since Eiji lost the love of his life. Three years since Ash Lynx died. Eiji has been trying to get over Ash´s death, trying to move on, but to no avail. Every day Eiji goes to bed with a bottle in his hand, his sleep plagued with nightmares,  and everyday Eiji wakes up wishing Ash was there with him. As an attempt to move on, Eiji´s therapist recommends that Eiji writes down what he would say to Ash as a final goodbye... This is Eiji´s letter.</p><p>*Exact trigger warning at the end of the story.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>25</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Letter</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>A storm had set over my house once again. The sky was gray with angry black clouds that pelted the ground down below with its tears like it has been doing for the past two days. I sit at the table staring out the window in a vain attempt to clear my racing mind of all my thoughts for at least a moment. I hold my coffee while I slowly sip at the steaming cup in my hand. If someone were to look at me now I would look very stoic and at peace. But if only they knew. The inside of my head was filled with dark thoughts that stirred in my mind similar to the storm that was ragging on outside my window.</p><p>When I heard about what happened I didn't believe it. I couldn't believe what they told me, but what reason would they have to lie about something about that? I took the first plane back to the place where it all started, leaving the place that I once called home behind me, for good this time. I couldn't bear parting with New York when all of the memories that we shared together are here. Those memories are all that I have left of him.</p><p>Since then I have created a good reputation for myself here in New York. I became a popular photographer and created a name for myself. I have buried myself in my work trying to put my mind at peace. At my exhibits, I show all of my most prized and favorite photos. I try to show emotion in the work that I pride myself on but people don't understand. They do not see all of the emotions behind my photos. They see a pretty scene or face, mutter under their breath about how nice it is, then move on to something else to soon forget what they just looked at.</p><p>I have taken many photos over the years, but to me, one stands out the most and is my favorite. It is one of the photos that I took so long ago. This photo is one of the ones that I have taken of him. It was at one of the bases during one of those moments when time finally seemed to slow down. He had fallen asleep curled up on the couch, a peaceful expression playing on your face. He looked happy for once in his life, a feeling that I am no longer familiar with.</p><p>I finally move from my spot in front of the window. My attempt at peace in vain, just like every other way I have tried to forget in the past three years. It had been three years since that dreadful day. Three long years that seemed to last an eternity. I have never felt this alone. Even when Sing visits me, like he has done every day for the last three years, I still feel utterly and completely alone. I appreciate his company but I know he blames himself for it was one of his own that killed him.</p><p>I don't like who I've become. I used to live because I like living. Now I live to try to hold on to him. I spend my days wasted away in my home, afraid to leave, and afraid to face reality. I only go out to go to my galleries and events from work, in which I put on a fake smile and pretend that everything is okay. Then I come home and I find myself drowning at the bottom of a bottle. Even then it still hurts and even as much as I may wish it, I am unable to forget. My therapist keeps telling me that it takes time and will be hard, but I should work on moving on. She also gave me sleep, anxiety, and depression meds to try to help me. So far none have worked.</p><p>I head into my room and sit down on my bed, feeling the familiar pit of my stomach that I have learned to call my friend. The feeling of being utterly and entirely alone. Although Sing has already visited me today, I still feel the crushing weight of it all. I know Sing tries to help, and I appreciate it, I really do, but it's not enough. It's not him. I also know that to Sing it's more than trying to help out a friend. I don't know what he sees in me. He shouldn't like me. Hell, I don't even like me anymore. I don't like the person I have become anymore, I never have, but it's the only way I can cope with the loss.</p><p>Every day it's the same thing on an endless cycle. I come home from a day full of plastered smiles and empty words to an even more empty house. I put on a brave smile for Sing if he is there, even though I know full well he can see through it and even though there were some days when he would come visit and he would find me passed out on the floor. Once he leaves I go to my only medicine, an endless cycle of guys entering and leaving the house and an endless amount of alcohol. Today I find a familiar empty bottle in my hand and I feel the familiar burning in my mouth. The same burn that I have learned to cherish. This is one of the only things I have found to help give me the sweet relief from the pain of the world around me and I drown myself in these bottles, and when that is not enough I find myself with another kind of bottle in hand. Right now is one of those times.</p><p>I pick up the familiar bottles from my nightstand, pouring all the remaining contents of one into my mouth, and washing them down with the other. I wait for it to finally kick in and take me away, even if it is just for a little bit. I wish I wasn't like this. I never wanted to be this type of person. I remember when I was this eager and naive kid who has never felt the true weight of the world. The kid who had dreams and hope and the kid who believed in everyone, now I don't even believe in myself. I wish I still was the kid that I was then, but that kid is dead. Hidden under the pain and mass amounts of liquor. With the liquor and pills finally kicking in, I close my eyes as I finally manage to slip away.<br/>
. . .</p><p>I wake up like I do every other day but this time it's not like every other day. For once I don't wake up with an empty bottle in my hands, but instead, I am tucked into my bed even though I have no recollection of ever doing that, but it is not like I can usually remember everything after that point in the night. Another thing I notice is that there is no one else in my bed like there sometimes is. Unlike most other nights there is no random guy in my bed that I don't even know the name of. I notice the lack of pain in my head from drinking the past night. But the most noticeable thing that makes this day unusual is the scent of freshly cooked food wafting through the house.</p><p>I walk into the living room half asleep and still in my pajamas, only to see the face that I know so well. The face that I have longed to see again but knew I never would. The face I am scared of now that I am finally seeing it again. The face of a dead man. His face had that easy smile on it that I haven't seen in what feels like an eternity. His blond almost yellow hair was the same. I've always wanted the opportunity to stroke my hands through one last time. And those intense jade green eyes that hold so much emotion and unsaid words. The eyes of a shattered man that has been pieced back together, but this time those eyes are not full of pain. These were not the eyes of the untameable lynx and ruthless killer, but the eyes of Aslan Jade Callenreese, the man who swore to protect me from the pain of the world. Look where that got us both.</p><p>He was standing at the stove flipping blueberry pancakes, as if he didn't just come back from the dead, but yet here he was cooking pancakes. He looked at peace standing here in front of me. He looked at me with those jade green eyes as I stood there, not knowing what to do. I couldn't believe that he was here. It seemed too good to be true, but yet here he was in my kitchen cooking.</p><p>"Good Morning, Eiji." He said my name on his lips like satin. I have always wished to hear my name come from his mouth once more. I still stand there in shock. A dead man is standing in my kitchen.</p><p>"I have never been much of a morning person but I would rather wake up early than have to eat nano. I can't stand that food if it can even be considered that." He takes the food off the stove as he says that, setting the meal on the table in the process. I hesitantly make my way over to him at the table, the shock finally starting to wear off.</p><p>"How are you here? You were dead, Ash. DEAD. I saw you. Now you are here in my home cooking pancakes. Is this some sort of sick joke?" I say, my words getting caught in my throat. "This is not fair Ash. How could you do that to me, put me through all that pain? I was lost without you Ash. I AM lost without you."</p><p>"I know, Eiji. I know." That was all he said. I was these simple words that had me throwing myself in his arms, tears streaming down my face. He held me in his warm embrace, wiping the tears from my eyes. Neither of us saying anything, just basking in the presence of one another. Although there were no words his eyes spoke all of the unsaid words that neither of us could manage to verbalize. His eyes showed pain and loss, along with another emotion that I haven't experienced myself in quite some time. Hope.</p><p>We sit there for I don't even know how long. There are no words to describe the feeling that I have going through me. It is the feeling of all your dreams coming true and finally regaining the joy that you have lost long ago. As we stand there in each other’s arms I can feel his steady breath as I bury my face into his shoulder. We continue to stand there until the unsaid words become too heavy. I have to let him know.</p><p>"I missed you so much, Ash. I lov..." That is when reality finally hits and the world around me changes into the familiar room where I lay all alone, feeling the familiar weight pushing down on me once again.<br/>
. . . </p><p> </p><p>Dear Aslan,</p><p>It has been three years since your death. Three painful long years. My therapist told me to write you a letter about everything I would say to you if you were still here with me. She said that it would help me "move on." I'm trying. I really am. I've been trying for the last three years, but no matter what I do I can't seem to get you off my mind. Part of that reason is my own fault. After your death, I flew back to New York for good. I couldn't bear parting with the only place where I have memories of you. I have to avoid libraries because they remind me too much of you and your death. Every time I go near one the permanent weight on my chest would get all that heavier. It would get worse and worse until I feel like I am getting crushed and I can no longer breathe.</p><p>Life now without you is an eternal nightmare. It feels like I have been injected with the same thing that led to your death and killed Shorter. I feel like I am going crazy. Every time that I close my eyes I picture you next to me. It hurts. I can't deal with this anymore. Not even my dreams are safe. I have dreams where you are still with me. Still in this world. I try so hard to hold onto you. To not let you go and hold you close, but every time I do I have you ripped away from me yet again. I wake up alone and cold. These dreams are my blessing and my curse. Every time reality closes in on me I feel as if I am suffocating. As if the weight of the world rested on my chest. I feel as if the world is closing in on me, a feeling that I am very familiar with.</p><p>I have created a life for myself here. I became a photographer and made it big. I remember you looking at my work and telling me how good it was. I remember how you used to believe in me, now I don't even believe in myself. I display all the work that you used to love so much. My favorite piece is one I took of you. You were sleeping and you looked so peaceful for once. I love it because it shined a different light on you that not many others got to see, and it proved to you that you were not that ruthless unfeeling animal and that not everything in this world was evil and corrupt.</p><p>Sing comes over to visit me every day. I know that one of the reasons for this is that he feels bad for it was one of his own that killed you. I also know that Sing views me more than a friend, even though I never will love him back. I appreciate his company and we have become great friends but it's not enough. He's not you. I cannot get myself to like someone else. I don't even like myself anymore, and you wouldn't like me either. I have a new person in my bed nearly every night and I live on an endless supply of alcohol. I am no longer the person I was before. I am no longer the person that you died for.</p><p>I blame your death on me. I blame all of their deaths on me. It was due to my letter that you weren't paying attention and didn't see Lao. It was due to my incompetence that they all died. Shorter died trying to protect me because I couldn't help myself. Everyone risked their lives trying to protect me. If only they could see me now. Why me? Why did everyone care so much? Why did you care so much? I am nothing. When I came to New York I was depressed over nothing, and there you were with the world against you and you still managed to hold yourself and everyone else up. I don't know how you did it. I couldn't save myself and ended up getting everyone else hurt, but yet you still cared. So why me? You believed that you didn't deserve to have me. You were wrong. I never deserved to have you. You were strong, something I never was. I couldn't save them and without you, I would have been dead so long ago. I couldn't even get over my fear about something I loved to do just because I got a little hurt. You got hurt so many times, both mentally and physically, and yet you always managed to put on a brave face and stay standing. I can't even manage to move on. I don't want to move on. Even though it hurts I don't want to let you go. Those memories are all I have left of you. Those visions are the closest that I can be to you. Even though it hurts I want to hold on. I am too weak to let go just as I was too weak to save you.</p><p>I'm sorry Ash. You deserved a happy ending. You have been through so much. I know your happy ending was with me, even if I don't understand why. If I knew what would happen I would have never boarded that plane. You let yourself die because you felt you had nothing left to live for. You felt that you couldn't have a happy ending. You could have boarded that plane with me. We could have had a happy ending in Japan. Things would have been safe there. We could have lived happily together and maybe even grow old there together, but you were afraid. You were afraid that you would end up bringing danger with you and put me in harm's way. You never seemed to understand. I never cared about that. You were my whole world Ash. I would have rather died than have to live without my world. Now I am forced to live like that. It still hurts. It's hard to live when your whole world has been stripped from you. You deserved so much better, Ash.</p><p>I miss you. I miss everything about you. I miss those jade green eyes that could always read me so well. Those eyes that held so much knowledge and pain. I miss your beautiful carefree smile. You barely ever smiled like that but every time you saw me there would be a tiny smile playing at your lips. I miss you so much. You tried so hard to push everyone away, but I know the truth. You were scared about getting close to anyone. You were scared of rejection and betrayal and that they would end up hurting you. You were scared and yet you still let me in. Look where that got you. I know I was your greatest weakness. Well, you were my greatest strength. You made me believe that I could do anything. You returned my confidence, and now that you are gone that is also no more.</p><p>I love you. I wish I would've realized that before. Before it was too late. Now I will never be able to tell you. Even though I will never be able to tell you, I know you knew it. I know that you are with me still, like my soul will always be with you. I will always love you, Ash.</p><p>I know that I have to let you go. I know that is what you would have wanted. I know that you are not coming back. I know all of that but I also know that I cannot live without you. That is why I won't live without you. I'm sorry Ash. I'm sorry for everything. I know you would have wanted me to live and move on, I just can't. I'm not strong enough. Life without you is worse than death. I'm sorry. I'll be with you soon.</p><p>My soul is always with you,<br/>
Eiji<br/>
. . .</p><p>I go into the familiar drawer and grab the familiar bottles. I pop the contents of one bottle into my mouth and wash it down with the other. I lay back waiting for sleep to take me like I always do, except this time I don't plan on waking up.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>*Exact Warnings<br/>In the story, Eiji is depressed and abuses alcohol and depression medication as a way to cope with Ash´s death. There is explicit detailing of Eiji´s depression and emotions throughout the entire story. In the end, it is implied that Eiji commits suicide but it is not very explicit but still there. If any of this triggers you or makes you uncomfortable, I highly suggest that you do not read this story. If I forgot to tag something I apologize profusely and beg of you to message me so that I can get it fixed and add the proper warnings.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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